it’s non-negotiable.

Ever been in love? Ever wondered when you will meet ‘the one’? But how do you know if he’s the one? Ever heard of an Immutable’s list? Nope? Neither had I. 7 years ago I was asked to write an immutable’s list basically 25 non-negotiables that I would look for in my future spouse.

Just to clarify the word - Immutable:

unchanging over time or unable to be changed.

For me, I knew from the get-go that I had found my first and true love. I even wrote a song about it. I experienced a courtship that one could only dream of. He was perfect. Most importantly he loved me and all of me, my flaws, my imperfections and even in my sinfulness he took me as I was. He fit everything on my immutable’s list and more. He never disappointed me, never left me crying, never led me into sin. In fact, he made me a better person, he taught me how to love and he gave me life. He wanted me to be a saint and to lead me to heaven. He sounds like the dream guy, huh?

The ideal type. He was and he is. I knew that no one would ever love me as much as he did and I didn’t want to love anyone else but Him. I found myself in Him. I saw no one else but Him, who could come so close to perfection? Loving him also led me to discerning my vocation. He helped me to grow in self knowledge and virtue. He showed me what it meant to love. To give of oneself, completely, wholeheartedly and selflessly. This was all I wanted to give back in return, myself. To live no longer for myself but for him. Love is sacrifice and a complete giving of oneself. This was my vocation and response to love. The gift of his love led me to go on to new heights. But this love took a turn I didn’t quite expect. This love I had for Christ, this desire to give of myself completely wasn’t quite the way I had expected or discerned it to be.

So back to my immutable’s list. Reading through the list left me feeling nostalgic. It allowed me to reflect on the person that I was at that point in my life and the person that I am today. With every line that I read, I knew that things had not changed. This list was non-negotiable and it still is.

Reading through my prayer journal I could see how much I had changed and grown into the person that I am today. But this list I had written 7 years ago remained unchanged. Every point that I wrote was still true to me and if anything it only went deeper.

God centered: this was one thing on my list that I knew was definitely non-negotiable. I’ve always known that if I were to meet my future spouse, he would have to love God much more than he loves me. If he were to lead me closer to God, he would have to love God and trust him with his life. I once wrote in my journal “Lord I do not want to marry but if it is your will for me, let him be someone who loves you more than anything so that it will only deepen my love for you”.

Reading through my list years later, I knew that the biggest impact it had on me was a realization within myself. That this list wasn’t focused solely on finding a man who has all these qualities but also a reflection on myself as to whether or not I too fulfill these qualities or had the ones to complement this. It made me reevaluate myself and remind myself that I know what I stand for and I know what I’m looking for.

Self knowledge is an important thing and difficult to face at times. It means taking a real look at yourself, knowing yourself. Your weaknesses, flaws, strengths and capabilities - everything. It means knowing what is wrong and right for you. Holding firm to who I am in Christ and falling deeper in love with Him gives me the freedom and understanding to know what real love entails.

My first real love will always be Christ because He loved me first. He gave me my life and He is perfection. My immutables aren't so much about finding a ‘perfect man’ but finding the one who leads me closer to perfection, that is to Christ. One who makes me better, who helps me to grow in virtue, one who leads me closer to Christ, who is on the same page as me, the one who wants to help me get to heaven. This person is the one who makes me more myself and the person Christ wants me to be. Who doesn’t compromise the person that I am, or who changes me into someone that I am not. Who respects my values, beliefs and what I stand for.

Knowing what you want in your future spouse also means knowing yourself. One of our greatest desires is to be loved. We need to let ourselves be loved by Christ and to learn to love as He does. Loving Christ has taught me to love myself. Loving and knowing myself in Christ is what prepares my heart and soul to love and be loved by another. I am loved.

Love and prayers,

rin.