This past Lent I was forced to face my fears, my past traumas and to become vulnerable all over again.
Just a day before Lent, I had watched Emily Wilson’s video on persevering and climbing your mountains. I remember asking myself: What is my mountain? Little did I know the very next day - Ash Wednesday was when my mountain was going to first appear. Let’s just say my Lent wasn’t what I had anticipated.
It started with a swollen hand, then a skin infection, lots of medication and pain, to ending up in the emergency department, to surgery. I won’t gross you out with the details, but one thing kept on turning into another. It just kept getting bigger and my mountain was growing - taller and taller. From what I thought was a simple injury from the gym and something that would merely take days to recover from with some medication; to what I thought would be a day visit at the hospital; to fasting for hours and staying at the hospital overnight; to having surgery. To then being forced to take a few weeks off from work to recover, with several appointments back and forth at the hospital, being bandaged up for weeks, and until now, taking a lot of time to truly recover, move and strengthen my hand again.
It was a lot to process.
At the beginning of it all, I prayed. God, please give me the strength to persevere even if things are to get worse and my mountain is to get taller. I prayed. If this is my mountain. I will persevere and keep climbing. I prayed that I would trust God and completely surrender it all to Him.
As I sat in the ED, I kept on reminding myself of what Emily Wilson said in her video - that I don’t know what could be waiting for me on the other side of this mountain. That I must keep my eyes fixed on Christ. I thought of the saints - Mother Teresa, St Therese, Padre Pio, to name a few - who suffered so much more. Jesus Christ Himself suffered so much more. If I could persevere and push through - that is the least I could do. I wouldn’t know what blessings could be waiting for me, what God has planned for me or what God is preparing me for.
Bible verses that I heard countless times during the week prior to this were replaying in my mind - giving me strength, as if they were preparing me for this.
God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28
Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. - Romans 8.18
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. - Philippians 4:13
For those that know me well, they’d know everything I went through was everything I hated. I was facing my fears, some of my greatest pains and trauma. And when the dreaded words (that I was going to have surgery) were said to me, I was in shock but I was also at peace. I had to simply surrender. In a way it was as if I was somehow being set free from those things I hated and feared. I don’t consider this a setback to what has started off to be a great year. I’m still happy. I’m still grateful. I’m still blessed. I feel somewhat free from those things that would hold me back. I feel stronger - not because of my own strength but because of the strength God gives me. I feel closer to Christ. While I don't know what else awaits me on the other side of this mountain, I know I have been blessed with so much.
Now I’m not writing this to talk about my struggles or to make you feel sorry for me. I’m sharing this because I feel compelled to share God’s goodness. I know part of the reason why I had to go through all of this is to share how God is working and how He has worked in me and for me.
If you are going through something tough right now, don't be disheartened. Don’t give up. Keep climbing and keep your heart up. Sometimes the most beautiful things happen at the top of the mountains. Jesus performed miracles and had sacred and beautiful moments on the top of the mountains. Sometimes it takes climbing up the mountains for us to see what God is revealing to us. Sometimes it takes climbing up the tall mountains to see the beauty and purpose of it all. Sometimes we may not see the purpose of the mountain until years later. We might not see or know the bigger picture - but do not fear, God does, and He’s got you. He will never abandon you. God is bigger than your mountains.
by janz.
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